Sitting beside me in the Oundelian headquarters is my good friend, Nat, who has been tuning in to Heart Xmas DAB radio, daily, since the 29 of September. Even here, as I write, forty-nine days before Christmas, he is entombed in his own private Christmas coffin with ginger-flavoured cheer forced into his arteries directly through his headphones. Hearing the Muppets’ “One More Sleep ’Til Christmas” leaking out in my direction for the second time today, I was wound into a state of moral uncertainty. Is it worthwhile to invest oneself, so entirely, in something so far into the future? Is Nat not, like the Jews of my ancestry, trapped in a state of perpetual anticipation? Are his feet warmer in Christmas socks? Are the aisles of Tesco easier to navigate when accompanied by Mariah Carey? Is Christmas starting too early?
Attempting to answer the final question (as very few people want an article discussing the temperature of my fellow journalist’s feet), I started at the beginning: the birth of Christ. Unfortunately, this event doesn’t tell us much about Christmas. Jewish and Christian scholars seem to think that Jesus was born between six and four BC, and in the Third Century, Clement of Alexandria suggested that He may have been born on the 20th of May, but not even Nat celebrates Christmas as early as May, so I decided to rule out the beginning and keep thinking.
Following traditional literary structure, after the beginning must come the middle, so I read a bit into that. The earliest evidence of Jesus’ birth being marked on the 25 of December is the Chronograph of 354AD, but I didn’t know what that was, so I made the executive decision not to write about it. By the Fourth Century, Saint Augustine (a friend to all who have undergone GCSE TPR) suggested that Jesus’ birth coincided with the winter solstice as His presence caused the days to grow longer. I decided to run with this fact, primarily on the basis that I understood almost all of it.
Now that we’ve placed Christmas around December 25, let’s discuss how long an ordeal it ought to be. By 480AD, we had concrete evidence of Advent: the primary tool of those who view Christmas as a marathon, not a sprint. In most denominations, Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas, so following this logic, I will allow Nat to wear his socks from the 30 of November this year. If he converts to the Ambrosian Rite or the Mozarabic Rite of the Catholic Church, he could practise advent from the Sunday before the third Tuesday of November. This can be as early as the 13 of November, allowing him two extra weeks of Muppets’ Christmas Carol. By 567AD, people had begun to celebrate the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’. That means, Nat could convert to the Ambrosian Rite, celebrate the Twelve Days of Christmas and get to enjoy mince pies between the 13 of November and the 5 of January at the longest. This doesn’t sanction baubles in the ninth month, but it falls in Nat’s favour.
Now we analyse the end. In recent decades, it has been observed that Advent Calendars have been on Tesco shelves seemingly earlier and earlier each year. Although many of these calendars begin the countdown after the Sunday before the third Tuesday of November, we can acknowledge that as soon as September begins, there will be something Christmas-themed in the shop windows. Our hyper-capitalist, greed-ridden, gingerbread-flogging, supermarket overlords want us to think Christmas starts before the leaves turn brown. Although this benefits Nat, my question is, is that in our favour?
Unfortunately for those seeking answers to this question, I’m not the man to ask. I’m no religious scholar, ethicist, economist, or Christmas tree farmer, nor would I have the time to become any of these if determination permitted. I will, however, give you my considered opinion: who cares? I’ve been around this over and over in my head and I’ve reached the point where I just want Nat to be happy, and if you’re a decent person, you should too. I can understand being deeply religious and objecting to the hyper commercialisation of your festival, but if I, a secular journalistic hobbyist, celebrate a corrupted Christmas anyway, why should I bother trampling on Nat’s fun just because it isn’t biblically accurate? Anyway, thanks for reading, and a happy Christmas to you all!
